A United Front….Sorta

Any pair of parents with half a brain knows that working as a team to parent their kids is important. It gives the kids a sense of security knowing Mom and Dad are on the same side and work together to make sure the family runs smoothly. Mom and Dad know they have backup in each other when facing the parenting struggles that inevitably arise when raising small humans.

My husband and I are fairly good at this. The kids know a lot of things will get a veto from both parents and they’re mostly too young to try any funny business like asking the other parent if the first one says no. However, the kids have figured out I’m the stricter parent and they are starting to ask Dad about stuff instead of me in hopes he will say yes.

Last night the request came to both of us from two separate kids and my husband got sucked in. Miss 6 wanted to sleep with Mr 4 because “he was scared” (this reasoning made me roll my eyes like a 15yo brat, but I’ll go into that explanation another time). Mr 4 asked me and got a veto, Miss 6 asked Daddy and got a yes vote. So the whole thing ended with Miss 6 sleeping in Mr 4’s bed with him…..until about midnight when she had a nightmare and Daddy had to go rescue.

Did I hear her crying too? Yes. Did I let my husband go rescue her even though he gets up at 3am and needs his sleep? Also yes. Was it mean and maybe a bit selfish to pretend to sleep so he would go deal with Miss 6? Probably. But it also helped cement the discussion we’d had after tucking in the kids about getting on the same page and remembering to ask “what did Mom/Dad say?” when the kids request out-of-the-ordinary stuff. Maybe that will help them realize that mommy and daddy are a team and trying to play us off each other is a bad idea. Maybe my husband’s ADHD brain will remember that sticking to the routine is better than switching things up. Maybe I’ll learn that being less strict and letting things unfold in whichever way they do is okay.

Wisdom of Teens

Ladies and Gentlemen I am proud to announce that my teen stepson knows

EVERYTHING

-3 Fahrenheit outside and going for a practice drive with Dad? A coat is completely unnecessary. A hoodie is sufficient because, after all, the heater in his 20 year old truck won’t struggle to heat the cab at all! (Those of us who have driven similarly ancient vehicles in similar weather and know differently are….wrong.)

The hat that’s missing? It’s probably in his room under his bed, between his bed and the wall, or buried under something that doesn’t belong on the floor. Stepson informed me that it can’t be in any of those places and, of course, he knows best.

The homework he can’t find? No way it’s folded into a square the size of a business card and buried at the bottom of his dumpster-fire of a backpack. Not possible. (Never mind that this scenario has played out dozens of times before.)

5 Fahrenheit outside and snowing with a wind chill in the sub-zeroes? Obviously a hoodie is more than enough to keep him toasty warm on the 5 minute walk to the bus stop and subsequent wait for a bus that may or may not be late due to unforeseen icy conditions.

Such brilliant instances of the Teen Genius’s thinking occur almost daily and some days it’s a battle to keep from arguing with him. It’s also really hard not saying “I told you so” when Mother Nature, Natural Consequences, and Life in General gang up on the Teen Genius and prove him wrong.

Just to be clear, the Teen Genius is a great kid and fabulous stepson. He continues to dodge many of the stupid, asinine, idiotic, and wrongheaded things many teens do, is patient with his younger siblings, and fights daily to succeed in his high school career. That said I’m making it my goal this week to allow Natural Consequences, Mother Nature, and Life in General to do the teaching.

Merry Christmas!

Christmas is a time for family, celebrating the birth of Christ, and exhaustion. Between gifting, baking, cooking, hosting, shopping, trying to find time for prayer and reflection, keeping up with laundry and the day to day household tasks, and making sure the kids are getting some understanding of what Christmas is all about…..

I’m tired.

It’s not just being a mom and the domestic engineer that makes this entire ship we call a family run with some semblance of a smooth course, it’s the draining of the social batteries. On our best days those of us who incline towards introversion don’t mind some socializing. It does help us keep our social skills in working order and reminds us that there is a bigger world outside our cozy little routine. But hanging out with family and friends, managing kids who have eaten too much sugar or haven’t eaten at all, and trying to remember who to thank for the enormous gift basket of goodies is tiring. Add on two days of Masses thanks to how the Advent and Christmas calendars work out this year….and I’m already tired tomorrow.

I’m not complaining. Well, maybe I am. But just a little. Christmas this year is actually more relaxed than it has been and everything is shaping up to be a wonderful next few days. Cookies are baked, gifts wrapped, everyone is off school and no on has obligations outside of Saturday Vigil Mass, Christmas Vigil Mass, and Christmas Day fun. It truly is a wonderful time of year and I’m very grateful for the loving family I’m spending it with and all the blessings God has showered on us this season.

But I’m still tired.

Fast-Track to Graduation

Motherhood is a lifelong education, that much I have figured out. However, there is no syllabus, no text-book, no how-to manual, and no lecturing professors (unless you have a judgy mother in law, aunt, mother, grandmother, or other relative/friend/coworker/fellow mom’s group attendee). There’s just a bunch of opinions, ideas, concepts, arguments, theories, and good/bad opinions out there. As a college class motherhood is a mess!! And there is no hope of graduation. Just lots and lots of continuing education.

All that said, there are classes that can be passed successfully and you’ll know you’ve passed them when you make an adjustment or change in your parenting because it’s necessary and good for the child (and you!), and you don’t spend several days agonizing over the effect it will have on your kids. I passed one such class last night and upped my “mean mommy” game to a new level. What did I do? I moved the “time-out” chair down the hallway.

Little Miss doesn’t like time-out. She doesn’t like being put in a spot and left alone/ignored for a whole 2 minutes. We have always had the time-out chair in the living room, but last night I realized that time-out wasn’t doing diddly-squat because Little Miss just turned around and watched TV over the back of the chair. Sure, she wasn’t cuddling with Daddy anymore, but that wasn’t cutting into her TV time. So the chair got moved all the way down the hall to the corner by the master bedroom doorway. Now when she sits in time-out Little Miss can’t see the TV and is even more isolated.

Does this sound mean? Or unfair? It isn’t. Time-out is a gentle way to teach Little Miss to mind Mommy and Daddy, and be kind to her siblings. It gives her a chance to learn to get herself under control when she’s out of control, and it gives Mommy a couple of minutes to get her own temper under control, clean up a mess, or calm down Little Bear. When we use time-out consistently our house is calmer, quieter, more loving, and happier than when we don’t. So I passed another class in motherhood last night. Little Miss was effectively reminded that Mommy means what she says and that obedience is far more fun.

My ultimate goal is to possess the same quiet authority my 80-something grandmother still has over her children. My Grandma can still shoot “the look” at her adult children (some of whom are grandparents in their own right) and they get her drift. We grandkids were (and most of us still are!) terrified of getting “the look” because we knew it meant a report would get back to our parents and punishment would be swift and merciless. Plus, getting “the look” meant we had disappointed Grandma and we just hated to do that. We love and respect Grandma so very much and it just doesn’t feel good to make her unhappy. If time-out is the way to teach Little Miss the respect, obedience, courtesy, and self-control she needs to be a functional adult, then so be it.

I’m sure things will change as Little Miss gets older and as we figure out the best way to discipline our other kids. There will be more classes in motherhood and more things that need adjusting or finessing to facilitate our kid’s growth into good adults and functional members of society. Some days will be better than others, some classes will be easier than others and I won’t pass every subject with an A+ grade. But isn’t learning what education is all about?

Because…Kids…

It’s 3am. Or, if it isn’t, it’s so close to 3am that it doesn’t matter. Little Bear woke me sometime around 12:30am for no reason except that he felt like it…or maybe it’s because he went to bed with a temperature of 100.1°F and doesn’t feel well.

Whatever. All I know is that I dragged us both to the recliner for some rocking and feeding and soothing until Little Bear finally passed out somewhere around 2am. He woke up again during the ticklish business of transferring him to his crib and wouldn’t go back to sleep or stay quiet so here we are. Back in the living room.

I have nothing profound or even remotely smart to say about this. It’s just one of those nights when you debate whether or not to add extra grounds and water to the coffee maker to facilitate adequate caffeination for the morning. Or daylight. Whichever comes first.

This is just what life is at this moment. Eventually Little Bear will fall asleep again and I might get some sleep too. Eventually, God willing, the sun will rise in a couple of hours and the day will begin regardless of whether I’ve had enough rest. And inevitably I will feel the need to turn on a movie tomorrow to keep Little Miss entertained while I try to focus a sleep-deprived brain and get a few things done.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll put Little Bear on his play mat on the floor and curl up next to him with my favorite fleece blanket. Who knows? Maybe we’ll both sleep.

Camping

We took Little Miss on her first camping trip this past weekend. To put it mildly, she had a blast. Family, friends, food, fresh air, sunshine, and all the other good stuff that goes into a giant family reunion camping trip. Mommy kept Little Miss slathered in sunscreen so she did not burn, and there were enough cousins around that Little Miss got a lot of practice walking.

Daddy spent the weekend zooming around the hills and valleys on the four-wheeler looking for deer and practicing his game calls. Just exactly his favorite way to spend a weekend. He saw several deer each day and thinks there were even more hiding in the brush. A small group of deer came down into camp each evening to nibble the fresh clover that carpets the little valley. Little Miss wasn’t quite sure what they were, but she could see the deer were big and furry and moved on 4 legs so she did what any self-respecting 11-month old does. She squealed at them. Loudly.

This deer showed up early in the morning, watched the squealing Little Miss for a moment, then took her leave.

She squealed at the dogs too. They weren’t sure what to make of the small, noisy human and kept away from her as much as they could. After all, her shrieking and squealing hurt their sensitive doggy ears. But, on Monday morning the oldest and calmest dog was cuddled into submission and allowed Little Miss to pat and stroke her. Of course, Little Miss’ idea of petting a dog is to slap them with all the vim and vigor of her little hands. So we worked on learning to pet gently and Little Miss got the idea eventually. Smokey the dog was very patient and, as long as someone was petting her, didn’t care what Little Miss did.

With all the stimulus of new people and new surroundings Little Miss overloaded frequently and needed to nap. A lot. She slept like a lump each night and didn’t mind the wind rustling the tent. What Little Miss didn’t like was Mommy’s insistence on putting her in the tent to play while Mommy cooked supper. But Mommy packed toys and Little Miss made the best of things. It turns out throwing toy rings and reading books is just as fun in a tent as it is at home.

Little Miss wasn’t terribly happy, but Mommy was busy so she just had to practice being patient. (Yes, the photo is fuzzy. With all the moving Little Miss does it’s a miracle I got a semi-decent photo at all!)

When we got home, I was pleased to see the garden had survived the weekend. Turns out that trick of shoving a full bottle of water upside down into the dirt is truly a great way to slowly water plants. It looked like I was trying to grow margarita mix and O’Mara’s Irish Cream, but my tomato plants, radishes, lettuce, and other veggies stayed nicely watered.

Most of the camping gear is cleaned, organized, and stowed away until our next trip. Now I just have to weed the front yard and make our house look decent again. Weeding is not my favorite activity, but the garden beds are small so it shouldn’t take long. I hope.

Mommy’s Little Victories

I’ve been up to my eyeballs in this parenting thing for nearly 8 months now. The one consistent lesson I keep learning (and re-learning) is that it is all about the little stuff. The little wins, the minute victories, the minuscule successes, the tiny hard-won battles.

The last three weeks exploded with little victories that give me hope my child is actually growing into a self-sufficient human being.

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Sitting up was a major mini-victory. It took three weeks of propping, showing her how to place her legs so she could balance, rescuing her from the tripod sit when she got stuck, and constantly putting her back in tummy time to strengthen her core. Now I can sit her in the playpen or on the floor and she is amused for a solid 15 minutes! All without help from Mommy. She cannot yet pull herself into a sitting position, but her ability to sit up at all is a tiny victory for which I am extremely grateful.

Sleeping came next. At the suggestion of her godmother, I started packing Baby Girl with baby cereal right before bed. Instead of waking up every 2 hours to nurse, Baby Girl now sleeps 8-10 hours and only wakes once, maybe twice, to nurse. This means Mommy gets more sleep which makes her a much nicer Mommy during the day. After recovering from the shock of a full-night’s sleep, I nearly threw a party to celebrate this little win.

When it came to starting solid food, Baby Girl took her first bites with happy interest. Moving with the swift surety of a born foodie from one meal a day to hardly breastfeeding at all, Baby Girl faced a new reality: she had to take a bottle.

Baby Girl hates, hates, HATES, HATES bottles. Boobs are far better in her opinion. Not a problem when she was breastfeeding full-time. However, Mommy is ready to be done with her role as a human refrigerator. Unless Baby Girl really wants to be thirsty and constipated and sick, she has to learn to drink from a bottle. She started last week by chewing on the bottle nipples, swallowing some of the liquid, dribbling the rest down her chin. This was super frustrating for mommy because that pumped breast milk took a lot of effort to produce!! However minute it seems, this was a victory because Baby Girl allowed the bottle nipple into her mouth. Last time Mommy tried to give her a bottle, Baby Girl fought and cried upon sight of the dreaded object.

After many tears (mostly Baby Girl’s, some Mommy’s), fights, discussions, and much wheedling, Baby Girl finally figured out how to latch on to the bottle nipple and suck. Then she did it again. And again.

YAY!!!!!! If I could I would have turned a couple of cartwheels. But I was holding a baby and a bottle at the time so I just waited until she was finished and then texted my mom. In the grand scheme of things this is just a little victory. She doesn’t suck full-time, and still chews and dribbles quite a bit. But just that little bit of sucking, that proof that she could learn to drink from something other than a boob, is huge! And has made mommy very, very happy.

As big as these little victories are, the most momentous thing I have learned is this:

To work with my baby on her timeline.

This doesn’t mean I can’t direct and encourage her to learn new things a little sooner or faster than she might otherwise stumble upon them herself. But forcing her into something doesn’t work and usually ends in frustration for us both. It’s a tricky blend of patiently waiting for her to grow and learn on her own, and knowing when to apply a little encouragement and direction. That is the biggest little victory so far.

On a completely different, but oddly similar topic, my next kid will be bottle trained from the start! See? Mommy can learn too!

Milestones: An Interview With Baby Girl

Baby Girl is growing up, getting bigger, becoming more aware and more comfortable with the world around her. Currently working on several developmental milestones, I recently asked Baby Girl to share her opinion on her current projects.

So, Baby Girl, what do you think of rolling over from tummy to back? It’s great! It gets me out of tummy time and let’s me rest my arms and back. My head is really heavy and it takes a lot of work to hold it up! If I want a toy to play with, I just roll onto my side and reach for it.

Post-bedtime bath wiggle

And what about rolling in the opposite direction, back to tummy? Boring! I think lying on my back and watching my hands, or wrestling with my giraffe, or kicking my feet is far more entertaining. Actually, to be honest, I’ve completely forgotten than I can roll from my back on to my tummy. (She grins sheepishly)

How do you like sitting up? It’s very interesting and I like seeing the world from a new perspective! I’m not very good at it yet, and it’s really only fun if Mommy is right there to catch me when that thing she calls “gravity” takes over. I can hold myself up with my arms okay, and if I try really hard I can lift my head up to look around. But my head is really heavy and it takes a lot of work. What I don’t like about sitting up is that I can’t kick my feet at the same time.

Do you like standing up? YES!! I love standing up. My legs get to stretch and feel so strong. I can see the world better too. Sometimes, after she changes my diaper, Mommy lets me stand on the window sill in the nursery and look outside. That’s really fun! But Mommy or Daddy have to help. I can’t stand up by myself yet at all. Oh! Wait! Yes I can! I almost forgot! I only figured it out the other day! If I’m in my “wheels” I can stand up all by myself and do stuff. That’s really fun!

 

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Are you excited to start walking soon? I don’t know what that is, exactly. It might be fun, but I’m good for now. Mommy and Daddy and Big Brother carry me everywhere I need to go. I get to cuddle a little while I’m in their arms and I really like that. Especially Big Brother. He makes me giggle!

I Am Grateful For…

When my brother was a chubby-cheeked, freckle-faced kid in glasses with a grin of unbelievable cheesiness, he joined the Boy Scouts. Over the next several years he went camping and hiking, learned to tie knots, administer first aid, survive in the wild, and had lots of fun at camp.

One year the troop put on an event for the families of the Scouts. I can’t remember exactly what the event was for as it happened some 16-odd years ago. I think it was, in part, an awards ceremony to present each Scout with the various merit badges and advancements in rank. The part of the event I do remember clearly is when a handful of Scouts got up to read a list of things for which they were grateful.

Now, I don’t know if this was a list they came up with on their own, or if they found it somewhere, but I do know it was a good list. So good, in fact, that my family repeats a line of it frequently: “I am grateful for the parking spot at the end of the lot for it means I can walk.” It’s a nice way to remind ourselves not to complain or whine when presented with a little difficulty or minor inconvenience.

While nursing Baby Girl at some unreasonable hour of the morning a week or so ago, I remembered that list. My sleep deprived, hormone-addled brain began inventing a new, baby-oriented list. Thought I’d share it with you as a reminder of all the good that is buried in the inconveniences of raising a baby.

I Am Grateful…

-When my baby cries because it means she can breathe.

-For dirty diapers and diaper blow-outs because it means she is healthy.

-For dirty clothes to wash because it means she has clothes to wear.

-For loud giggles in the wee hours of the morning for it means she has emotions and can feel.

-When my baby wants nothing but snuggles and hugs for it means I make her feel secure and safe.

-When my baby smears pureed sweet potatoes everywhere for it means she is learning to use her hands.

-When my baby grips my hand or shirt when afraid or uncertain for it means she trusts me.

-When my baby pulls my hair, grabs my glasses/earrings/necklace, or lunges for something hot/sharp/dangerous for it means she is curious and wants to explore her world.

-For those days of constant clingyness when I can get nothing done for it reminds me to slow down and enjoy my baby being so little.

-When my baby babbles or talks at the wrong time for it means she has a voice.

-When my baby kicks off the blankets in the middle of the night for it means she can move.

-For the breast milk dribbles on my shirt because it means I can feed my baby.

-For the toy I have picked up and given back for the umpteenth time because it means my baby is learning.

-For the days when the only thing that will settle my baby is holding her and walking up and down because it means I am getting some exercise.

Sometimes She Just Needs A Minute

Baby Girl is growing fast. She can finally roll over when she wants, reaches for and grabs the toys she wants, and is working on sitting up on her own. 

But sometimes it’s all just too much. She wants it all: to play, to nurse, to be held, to get down, to smile, to laugh… Only she can’t decide which one to do first and, on top of it all, she is so very tired. 

That’s when Baby Girl does the only thing she can do: cry.

Sometimes I can placate her quickly, usually by nursing her to sleep. Other days she just won’t settle. Together we run the gamut: I pick her up, put her down, nurse her, give her toys, etc. But nothing satisfies her. 

So I put Baby Girl down to play and when she cries, I leave her there. I fold laundry or clean the kitchen. I talk to her so she knows I am close by. If Daddy is home he holds Baby Girl and does his best to comfort her. 

But Baby Girl doesn’t want Daddy, she wants Mommy. After a few minutes I gather up my phone, water bottle, and a blanket and curl up in the chair with Baby Girl. She latches on with enthusiasm and suckles with intense concentration. Fifteen minutes later Baby Girl is sound asleep in my arms and I am free to pop her into her crib for a nap. Or just sit and enjoy the cuddle time.

Some would say it’s cruel to let Baby Girl just cry. They say not responding immediately to a baby’s cries will ruin their confidence in you and destroy their trust. Wave bye bye to any attachment you have formed with your child. For some children this might very well be the case. 

For Baby Girl, however, a few minutes of crying with Mommy near by seems to allow her time to figure out what she really wants. She settles down instantly once she is ensconced in my arms with a boob in her mouth. Baby Girl is still firmly attached to Mommy and displays no signs of mistrust or injured confidence. I am definitely and most assuredly still her favorite person.

I guess what all this means is in spite of what the books, blogs, podcasts, grandmothers, mothers-in-law, best friends, and the moms at the park may think or say, each Mommy and Daddy must suit their parenting style to their child. 

So, “you do you” as the saying goes, and I will do me. Our kids will turn out fine.

Teddy is keeping watch as Baby Girl sleeps. After all, it is Teddy’s job to keep the monsters away.